Jake's Turn

So Jake just had his birthday, the big 0-4, so I thought I'd post some pics of him as a baby since I did that with Kennedy. 

I look hideous in this shot, but you know what?  I earned that tear-stained face.  It's a face of someone going through a lot of change, and I can say, after four years, I am so much the better person because of those initial tears.  So I'll post the puffy-eyed, tear-stained face, because we all share that kind of pain at one time or another, and I know that 99 percent of the time, we're glad we went through it because it changed us for the better and blessed us in ways we never thought possible.  Amen!

This was the first time I got to see Jake after they took him to the NICU with some breathing/temperature issues.  I was trying so hard to connect with this baby who didn't look a whole lot like what I was expecting.  The connecting started happening when I finally got to hold him and (try) to feed him.  It's amazing how two hearts can connect without speaking.  One needing the other.

This is the actual first glimpse I got of him in the NICU-the poor kid looks like some alien getting ready to head into outer space!  It was actually just an oxygen hood they had on him until they could put the nasal cannula in.

Brian came in and I am so glad I took this photo because I forget how tiny he really was.  His smallest weight was 4lb 12oz.  Brian's hand just makes me realize how small that really is.

And this picture, well, this picture reminds me why I married Brian.  Because even though he has a heart of mush when it comes to his kids, and his eyes are a little swollen too, well, he can still be goofy and light-hearted and it really helped me get out of my sad funk. 

 

Baby Jake also ended up with jaundice, so he had to do some phototherapy while he was baking in the oven.

This was taken probably about a week after he was born, and notice I'm not tear-stained anymore, in fact, I'm looking downright peaceful.  It was all that holding and getting-to-know-you stuff we did in the NICU.  I got to know his little quirks and personality.  For instance, Jake NEVER cried, but when the nurse would suck the congestion out of his nose, he would get the saddest little face and whimper, like his feelings were so hurt that they would do that to him.  It was the sweetest thing.

I couldn't get this pic to rotate, but I'll put it in anyway because it's cute :)

So there were a lot of things and mostly people that got me through those two weeks in the hospital,and one of them was this little woman.  She would come down to the NICU, pointing out all the shapes she saw in the carpet, walls, anywhere.  "Look mom, there's a cylinder!"  And she'd always jump in the elevator.  She loved the play kitchen in the NICU waiting area.  It was always a break from worry to be with her and take care of her like a normal mom, not a mom who just got her world turned upside down.  I am so glad I had her.

I don't know who took this photo of me, my mom, and Kennedy in the NICU waiting area, but I am so glad they did.  I remember seeing this photo for the first time, probably over a month after Jake was born and actually being surprised that I was laughing out loud like that.  Most of my memories of that time in the hospital were of feeling so sad, overwhelmed, and worried.  I was glad to know that I also had times like this.  We had so many people supporting us through that difficult time.  My mom came as soon as we called to tell her I was in labor.  She didn't have a cell phone with her so she didn't know about jake having Down syndrome until she walked into my hospital room when she arrived several hours after he was born.  I remember that moment like it was yesterday.  I was holding Kennedy on my lap while she watched cartoons and Brian was with Jake while he was getting an echocardiogram in the nursery.  My mom walked in and I immediately broke into tears and said, "they think has Down syndrome..." and she came and hugged me and said, "that's okay!"  Two simple words, but that was the turning point for me.  I saw that it wasn't the end of the world to my mom, so that meant that it didn't have to be for me either. 

This shot is another way our family supported us through that difficult transition.  When it was clear that Jake wouldn't be coming home with us for a little while, we made the difficult decision to send kennedy down to Utah to stay with family so that I could stay at the hospital with Jake.  We'd never been apart even overnight, so it was incredibly hard to watch my mom drive away with her, on Mother's Day no less!  But our whole extended family pitched in while Kennedy was down there, and she had an absolute ball.  My sister-in-law even took her out to have some pictures taken of her since she had just had her 2nd birthday a couple weeks earlier.  It just made me feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and love for all the people in our life, and all the ways that they told us, through not only their words, but also their service, how much they loved us.

And finally the day we all waited for, homecoming day!  It's hard to believe it's been four years already.  I never would have thought back then that I'd be writing this today, so overwhelmingly grateful for all of the emotion I went through with Jake's birth and especially that first year of learning. I had so many fears of the unknown back then, how well would he walk? talk? fit into our family? learn?   All is not bliss, but most of my fears have been replaced with hope, encouragement, anticipation.  He is showing me the way.  And now  I have this incredibly bright, funny, sensitive, charming little boy who just this morning told me we were going to get married.  Okay Jake, I'll marry you (I don't think dad will mind).