Focus

The other night when I was putting Kennedy and Jake to bed (they both sleep in Jake's twin-sized car bed, because they both think they need someone to snuggle to get to sleep), Jake was waiting to snuggle Kennedy and he laid on her pillow and said, "I love Kenney, she my best friend! Mmmmm..."  Kennedy was standing there and was quite touched by what Jake said.  She said, "ohhhh, Jakee, you're so cute."  Then after I tucked them in and leaned down for a kiss from Kennedy, she whispered to me, "Mom, sometimes I think I'll marry Jake."  And as I was smiling she finished her thought with, "except when he's mean to me and hits me."  Well, I told her she definitely shouldn't marry someone who hits her.  Glad we got that all figured out.

 [Here are jake and kennedy painting the salt-dough ornaments we made before Christmas.  Before you think I'm all crafty and cool because we made ornaments, know that these didn't get hung on the tree until 2 days before Christmas, because I was too busy with work crap (excuse my language) to take them outside and spray them with the sealer stuff.  Can you tell I'm bugged about work today?] 

Today I spent 13 hours at work trying to get all of last week's regular work done, reconciling all the bank statements, and finishing up work for taxes.  I go through so many emotions during these crazy times at work.  It is so frustrating do have to deal with customers who walk away from their obligations, basically stealing our products, and then declare bankruptcy, which makes it an uncollectable debt.  Sometimes it feels as though we'll take forever just to recoup what we've lost by such situations.  But I try to have faith that times are getting better, slowly, oh so slowly.  If we can just hang on, we just might make it work.  But there have been a lot of times I've let myself remember the days when Brian had a 9-5 job, and when he'd come home from work, that would be it!  We wouldn't think about work for the rest of the night, or talk into the night about receivables, payables, inventory, crazy customers, lawsuits, and on and on.  We'd just eat dinner and play with Kennedy and talk about our plans for the weekend!  Even though we didn't make much money back in those 9-5 days, I wish I would  have realized how heavenly it truly is to only have to worry about your own little family's expenses.  And how wonderful a reliable paycheck is.  Okay, okay, enough of the self-pity.  Honestly the hardest part is trying to turn off the noise in my head and be present with my kids when I'm with them.  I took that for granted back in the 9-5 days.  Now it's a conscious decision I have to make almost daily, to shut off the worry, the to-do-for-work-today list, the ongoing litigation.  I don't want our business to take away these fleeting years that I have with my kiddos while they're little.  So when I grab Jake's little face in my hands and he puts his arms around my neck and runs his fingers through my hair (like he loves to do), I will shove everything out and take a picture in my mind of that face and all of the love I feel for the person who owns it.  Oh life, can't you slow down a little? 

I am rambling and so should head to bed.  It's 12:16 a.m. and I still have to do my Primary stuff in the morning before church.  And on it goes.....good night.